Amidst

The moment he told me he wouldn’t marry me I went into a shock.

One of those shocks I couldn’t be more familiar with – same as when he decided he wouldn’t date me, then he wanted to break up. It’s like playing a video game and when I finally reach the last round, I get the notice, “We probably won’t get married.” Seriously? After all this?

A shock I’m too familiar with to be affected by, I told myself, trying to act with composure. I came up with plans – the mind attempting various ways to grasp the situation: if I left now, as last time, it would seem devastating and silly; if we stayed together for another few months… No, who am I? A toy that can be picked up and dumped anytime? We should seek the middle way… We’ll stay until the the end of this rental period. Then he leaves, not I. We’ll plan that way, unless he decides otherwise… No, I’m not giving him another chance. Whether he changes his mind or not I’ll break up after two months. I’ve had enough, these relentless sudden rejections that turn me into nothing!

For my own worth I should not ask for a second chance. Who am I? A beggar? Okay, it doesn’t matter, but I’ll just say, I know there are things I could have done better… Stop! You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s his senselessness that will cause his loss.

I couldn’t believe this. I could. After all, it’s just another version of the same thing. We’ve been through this. I’ve been through this. We are still together. Even if this time we won’t be together anymore, forever, so what? I’ve learned the lesson. It is what it is. What happens is what needs to happen. I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Whether he’s okay is not my business. I’ll be okay… I can’t believe this. The sky’s falling. But it’s fallen before and it’s still up. Is it actually falling this time?

I lay there in the dark, heart racing and head spinning. I need to sleep, this is what I should do. I can’t sleep, I should get up. What should I do? Go downstairs and clean up. Didn’t he say I need to take more responsibilities? But why should I do what he wants? I’ll go read. No, go write something, write down all this misery. When the sun’s out it will no longer be the same… Come on, stop all this. Stop trying to work against it. Just be with it. Feel it. Stay here and feel it. There’s nothing else you can do… Maybe I should sit up and meditate. But that will wake him up. Why put on a show in front of him even at this point? Stop deceiving yourself. You can meditate just lying here. Doing nothing is doing everything.

So I lay there, trying to focus on my breaths. A few breaths later the same movement of the head went over again.

About 3am I was tired of the lonely struggle. I whispered into the dark, “Are you awake?” His breath had grown smooth. But here came the response, “Yeah.” Out of my own surprise I asked, “Can you hold me?” Alas, I still couldn’t help but beg for something. The moment he held me and we breathed into the long night together, however, something in me was relieved…

An upcoming heartbreak and a hug at the moment – which is more real?

“We won’t make a good couple” and “I want to hold you” – which is more real?

The wills of the mind are a mystery, never what they appear to be. They try to help and end up failing yet never stop trying…

Was I screwed by him or my mind? By him or his mind? I had no idea.

Too hot. I untangled myself from his arms. Our breaths smelled like the rotten night. When will the sun come out? I’m tired. I would just lie there until it came out. Again, out of my control, my lips started whispering on and off, complaining about this misery in a seemingly unaggressive way. He lay there, still facing me. I knew he was listening.

“From tomorrow…” I had brewed an action plan in my head. I told myself not to say it yet. It would only make me look stupid. But here the words just rolled out of my mouth, “I will make breakfast and dinner, and you make lunch. Next week, you make…” Before I could finish, tears burst out of my chest. I cried out the rest of my plan when he used all his strength to pull me into his arms and we wailed together in the dark, bodies shaking against each other.

In the end tears proved to be a more effective way of shaking free the suffering, even just temporarily.

For the last few hours I didn’t know whether I was waiting for the sun or the sleep to come. At one point you just stop trying. It was good. Actually giving up was the most authentic thing the mind could do, thanks to the body’s exhaustion.

When I came to awareness again light was streaming in through the window. I realized I was finally falling asleep, but woken up by the noise he made when going to the bathroom. Yeah, we decided to break up. I remembered. How sad. Today is different from yesterday. But somehow I was more annoyed by the noise he made than whatever tragedy that would come tomorrow. He snuggled back in bed chewing a slice of tortilla. “Do you want any?” “No, I was almost asleep!” “Sorry, I was too hungry and I needed to pee…” I tried to fall asleep again, but it didn’t come easily. It’s okay. Morning was almost there. Morning was almost there…

A few hours later I was woken up again, this time by the cold. The most freezing day ever, though unusually bright. After some hesitation I got out of bed, the first time in probably half year I got out of bed earlier than him. I would make breakfast, and then make the bed. I would sweep the floor and be a responsible woman. Not for him but for myself.

He went for a walk. He closed the door and left. Why should I care? I kept sweeping the floor.

When he came back I was making a list of house chores for each of us. At the top I wrote down the title, “RESPONSIBILITIES,” which, once it appeared on the page, seemed to be mocking me with its level of seriousness. He came up and, with eyes red, he went down on his knees. What?! Not able to take this in, I knelt down in front of him, wanting to hold him up though not sure where to touch. I stared at him as he gave me his proposals. He proposed for me to forget last night, and he proposed to be together. I was in tears, more shocked than touched. Were we characters in some bad romance novel? Stop this. It wasn’t even intelligent. Although, what ending could have been better?

When we sat down to talk I told him how his sudden decision hurt me again. How cheaply he deemed our relationship, after all that we had been through, was more heartbreaking than anything. I thought of my grandparents, who married after their villagers introduced their families to each other. He brought her to the village office. With no one being there, and he himself the head of the county, he put on the stamp as approval for the marriage. Until today she cooks for him three meals a day and wipes his body when he’s too sick. Marriage then was pure commitment. Marriage now is a bargain. I might be too self-centered to be a good wife and mother. But isn’t he the same for never daring to commit?

As I spat this out my body again shook in grief. He held me and apologized, guilt pouring out from his deep down. No, I would not forget last night. I would not agree to marry. Who am I? A toy that could be dumped and picked up at any time? I understand, he said, I understand.

Thus we called an end to another of those nights. There was no cloud in the sky after a night’s storm, the blue brightened by some fresh snow left on the roof. The sun was up until late in the afternoon. We went for a walk, the first time in many days. Yes, we would not get married, not yet. Yes, that happened, it was sad. But now we were walking together, hand in hand. Now I wanted to hug you, no doubt. We were made even better than before. Were we really? Well, at least before the next one, the possibly real one came back.